Egg Pictures. 88 loud minutes.
Timmy: Omri Katz
Mick: Shawn Hoffman
Jamie: Tiffanie Poston
Link: Pete Koch
Missy: Megan Hughes
Dana: Mimi Maynard
Gil: Steven Anderson
Produced: Luigi Cingolani
Directed: Brett Thompson
Screenplay: Wili Baronet and Lisa Morton.
Jamie's romantic dinosaur story is judged lame by Timmy; Mick
is oblivious. Timmy's parents, the Shepherds, experiment with
time and space on a tv screen while the three kids watch a cartoon
show called Dino Saurs. Timmy advises Jamie that this is what
she should write like, where dinosaurs would "take a chunk
out of anybody" who crossed them.
The parents prepare for a conference and plead
that Timmy not "watch cartoons all day." "What's
wrong with cartoons?" When they leave, Timmy convinces the
other two to "watch Dino Saurs on the big tv in the lab."
Mick: "Check it out! Ultrasaurus television set!"
The video comes on but they are zapped into this asinine world.
[The transition is lengthy; go to the kitchen for a drink here.]
They meet Forey, a small wise-cracking batlike dinosaur, and
hide from the "Rockies"--cavemen called Cro Magnon morons
and Neanderthals alternately who instigate some kind of power-plant
melt-down of Saur City against which we must race from here on
Through a graveyard they seek Tartown and enter
a bar where, after the floor show of Raquel and her Million B.C.s
singing "I Dig It When You Get Primitive, Darling,"
they try to shame superhero Rex and his sidekick Tops into saving
Saur City. Rockies enter; fight ensues. [Go to the kitchen for
a refill here.] We get a glimpse of the Darth-Vader-voiced black-robed
evil leader, imaginatively named Mr. Big, using the Rockies as
thralls: "Allosaurs shall rule the world once more! The
reign of terror begins! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Now that Rex and Tops are on the mission, at
night the batch witnesses the evacuation of Saur City. Mick is
depressed but Jamie tends to his ego. Rex rows Timmy to Skull
Island where they see what used to be the center of the city (suspicious)
and where Rex's father's monument, dedicated to his anti-allosaur
combat, is defaced. This is supposed to be insti-patridepth.
Mr. Big's hidden camera sees Timmy's magical
remote control pausing and rewinding attackers: "What is
that power? I must have that device." Timmy is kidnapped,
Jamie lures cavemen guards and knocks them out, and Mick is bitchy
and sullen. We discover Rex's father in prison and he quickly
explains that he was drugged into being a traitor all those years
ago. Insti-reunion gives way to a rescue of Timmy who has been
suspended over fire and drilled to explain the secret of his remote
control. [Another drink? Why yes, I'd love one.] Rex smacks
Mr. Big in the name of his father, and Timmy zaps him with the
remote. Some confusing sort of elevator drama and Forey learning
to fly ensues. Daddy and the tower blow up. Forey fixes something
back at Saur City. Should Timmy stay or go back? Oh oh oh agony
Back in what passes for reality, the parents
are back, and the three kids smirk a lot.
The film is atrocious, obnoxious, and unendurable, pimping to
the Ninja Turtles groupies of the time and similarly encouraging
the very worst in American male brats. Every smug cliché
of faux emotional depth is prostituted here. Thank the holy lord
above that this pile did not skyrocket to fame and popularity.
Destroy all copies.