"Lost Continent"?: there isn't one: just a mountain
on an island. Footage from this was used later in a Twilight Zone
segment. The following summary contains bracketed asides
from the Mystery Science Theater 3000 treatment of the
film (#208). E.g., [Joel: "Lost Continent? I lost my keys
once but that's ridiculous!"].
L. Lippert presents
Acquanetta [Tom Servo: "snot is running down her nose."]
"the title star from 'Rocketship X-M,'
and lots of rock climbing."
Screenplay: Richard Landau
Story: Carroll Young
Producer: Sigmund Neufeld
Director: Samuel Newfield
At the White Sands, New Mexico Proving Grounds--a government military
base--a rocket launching yields masculine numerical blab about
mph and so on. "She's right on course." We get shots
of machinery which presumably served as aphrodisiacs to young
men of 1951 (and the Top Gun '80s). But the rocket (presumably
stock footage from the film Rocketship X-M, also treated
by MST3K, #201) does not turn back when it should, and crashes
somewhere vaguely South Pacificky. ["So that's what Ward
does at the office."]
Cut to Cesar Romero (Major Nolan) chatting
up Hillary Brooke, the hideous shoulder-padded dyed-blonde from
so many Abbott and Costello films who archetypally repulsed me
against '40s semi-women since I was 7. [Crow: "Mrs. Roosevelt's
lookin' fine!"] She keeps him drooling about "the boys"
and we listen to him drone on about how much "brain power"
is required of aeronautic murderers these days, equivalent to
MIT and Carnegie Tech. The dynamics between these two is irrational.
She wants him to keep blabbing about military crap instead of
anything else at 2:30 in the morning, yet they soon dance to a
record. [Joel: "Give to Cesar what is Cesar's." Crow:
"Oh, you taste like Bud Abbot!"] Romancus interruptus
as a sergeant announces he must report back to the base.
We now get the series of experts all being
summoned similarly. One guy kisses his uniform prematurely before
being called back. [Tom Servo: "Everyone talks to inanimate
objects in this movie."] Sid Melton (Willie) chats to his
"sweetheart," the plane to which he is the mechanic
before being summoned. Three scientists (Hugh Beaumont, a
guy, and Rostov who seems to have a German accent which would
make a lot of sense but whose accent it turns out is supposed
to be Russian) and the military idiots all appear on a plane,
Willie serving coffee. When they fly over the area where the
rocket disappeared, the pilots lose control of the plane and it
crash lands on an island. ["Hey, we landed on a witch.
Maybe the film will be in color. . . ." "Let's form
a soccer team and eat each other!"]
On first emerging from the plane, the German
who thinks he's a Russian says, "Doesn't look too forbidding;
seems rather peaceful." Goddamned nature-loving Kraut-Commie!
Nolan responds bitchily: "Talk to some of our guys who crashed
in New Guinea during the war. Headhunters, cannibals. This place
might be a park, but I'm not gonna depend on it. Break out the
guns and ammunition. ["It's time for a celebration."]
Sergeant, round up what food we have. . . . Take only the essential
things. Looks like we might be camping out for a while."
Note the priorities.
These six Elmer Fudds warily wander thwough
the jungle and come upon a shabby grass hut village. ["If
you don't understand it, shoot it."] "What do you make
of that?" "Maybe we're being set up for pigeons."
How is this supposed to have worked? Natives with grass hut
technology somehow mystically crashed their plane on this island
and are waiting with their deadly Indonesian chickens?
Only Acquanetta and her fat younger brother
inhabit the village. ["It's a Gaugin still-life! Shoot
it!"] Daddy died and the rest are gone because "fire
bird fly over village. . . . People frightened; leave in boats."
The patronizing Americans find out roughly where the rocket crashed,
but "sacred mountain taboo. . . . You will not come back.
Home of gods."
Rock climbing! More rock climbing! [Crow:
"Why are we watching this dull mountain climbing sequence?"
Joel: "Well, because it's there."] At night from the
shelter of an overhang, the Russian sees a little lizard which
we're supposed to think is big. Nolan doesn't believe in this
"monster I've never seen before."
Rock climbing. [Tom: "You know, even
rock climbing movies don't have this much rock climbing."]
The out-of-shape Wally Cox scientist falls into the clouds despite
Rostov's attempt to help him. Now Cesar Romero really really
doesn't trust this guy. More rock climbing.
We finally reach the land of greenish tinting
which Willie says is "sort of like a, a, lost continent!"
Hugh Beaumont's geiger counter indicates that this rock pile
passing for a continent is full of uranium. The subterranean
pressure is "as powerful as a stockpile of hydrogen bombs."
And there is pontless comment that the whole mission regarding
this rocket will send us all "back into a world such as this
one." The futuristic/prehistoric connection is common in
Cold War allegory, such as the '80s Transformers cartoon
We're supposed to think Willie is a hoot.
Swatting a mosquito, he says, "I'm starving to death and
that thing's been feeding off of me for four hours like I was
somethin' sent up from room service."
We find dinosaur tracks. Ward Cleaver says,
"I've seen tracks like these before . . . at a museum."
The Joker is in nasty denial. But then we see a brontosaurus
which trumpets like an elephant and charges the humans for no
reason. [Joel: "Turns out I'm an herbivore. These guys
got nothin' to worry about." Tom: "I see a dinosaur
but I hear an elephant."] They run, but Ward is slower and
climbs a tree, prompting my standard question: when you're running
from a vegetarian, is it a good idea to try to hide in the salad
bar? The rest shoot repeatedly at the dino. Nolan: "That
thing's got more armor than a tank." With bloodied head
the dinosaur runs off. [Tom: "Hey, does this movie have
a continental breakfast?" Crow: "No, they lost the
So there really are dinosaurs. Snarkiness
ensues. "What's the matter with it; doesn't it know it's
supposed to be dead?" Willie has erotic and vocally articulated
dreams of a plane when he is supposed to be on guard. Rostov
and Cleaver (okay, Phillips) have disappeared, but we soon find
out that Ward has trapped his leg among some rocks and Rostov
is trying to help him silently, and not kill him after all, despite
a dangerous triceratops nearby. [Crow: "It's the mother-lovin'
rubber dinosaur of them all!"] The animal discovers them
and charges. Nolan shouts, "Shoot for the eyes." But
another triceratops appears in the periphery and the two fight
instantly for no reason until one is fatally stabbed in the neck.
Nolan acknowledges without apologizing that
he owes Rostov an apology. It turns out the Russian has a tragic
story regarding prison camps and dead family. Vague non-political
sanctimony somehow reinforces the militaristic bullet-headed Saxon
mother's-son mentality of the film. Joe (whoever) swaggeringly
says, "If I see any more of those fugitives from the zoo,
I just walk up to 'em and kill 'em with spit." We all question
giving up the search and don't.
A pterodactyl appears and Willie says, "Say,
I wonder if a piece of that big buzzard would make good eatin'."
So they shoot it. They can't find where its corpse landed but
stumble upon the rocket with two brontos and a triceratops loitering
nearby. "Big slob. Get away from there." [Crow: "Brain
the size of a walnut." Joel: "What the dinosaurs?"
Crow: "No, the director."] They're low on ammo, but
shoot meaninglessly into the air until the dinos wander off.
The two remaining scientists climb inside and retrieve deep junk.
But a triceratops has snuck up on Willie from behind and gores
him despite more shooting.
Quick cut ["That was a short mourning
period!"] to the four remaining men about to climb rocks,
downwards this time. An earthquake begins to shower rocks down
on them: "The whole mountain's blowing up under us."
The camera jiggles and they run to a boat (don't ask) and row.
[Tom: "Hey, didn't they come by plane?"] The island
blows up to the tune of stock footage of atomic blasts. [Crow:
"Get away! The stock footage is erupting!] The final lines
include the phrase, "The world coming to an end," and
something else indecipherable. The End.