Frank Taylor: Brett Cullen
Monica Taylor: Samantha Mills
Jerry Taylor: Austin O'Brien
Rico Sarno: Stephen Lee
Also starring Tony Longo, Stuart Fratkin.
Written: Greg Suddeth, Mark Goldstein
Produced: Charles Band
Directed: Charles Band, Albert Band
Visual Effects: David Allen Productions.
On a jungle trek, while native guides run away, fat grumbling
Sarno wants "sacred junk." Back at the farm, Jerry
is jumping on his bed to Elvis music and sister Monica is painting
her toenails. On the phone she val-whines, "Can you believe
my brother listens to Elvis? . . . living in the Stone Age!"
Raisin-farmer Dad calls the kids to help him with more fossils.
The insti-tragedy is that Mom is dead and Ruby's five puppies
have been given away. Monica looks like "Madonna in heat,"
and curfew is announced. Dad is defensive in front of Jerry:
"Who says I can't handle her? I can handle her!"
Sarno steals sacred pygmy-dinosaur eggs, preserved
by a tribe in a refrigerated cave: "Oh man, it's like a meat
locker in here." When the Taylor family drives to town to
sell the fossils, they visit Sarno's shop where Frank flirts with
Vicki and a cooler switcheroo takes place. Sarno announces on
the phone, "I don't want to get prehysterical here but I
think I'm gonna change the course of natural history." He's
found a "holy grail" but the cooler reveals only a turkey
The Taylors' dog Ruby ("Oh please don't
let her be preggers again") hatches the eggs. Jerry sees
five mini-dinos and only the T-Rex takes dogfood from his hand.
Jerry names the T-Rex Elvis: "I know how it is, Elvis; I'm
a meat-and-potatoes man too." The Pterodon flies around
the house so Jerry shows Monica the dinos. Elvis bites her ass,
and Jerry claims she's "just been kissed on the tush by the
king. . . . Relax, [he] just needs meat." After dismissing
Bon Jovi and Prince, they name the other dinosaurs: the Brachiosaurus
(Paula, which threw me for a while, but must refer to Abdul),
the Stegosaurus (Jagger), the Chasmosaurus (Hammer), and the Pterodon
Whitey cleans the shop, but Sarno is paranoid.
He accuses Vicki of stealing his eggs and she hits him with a
rock. Frank sees his wrecked kitchen and the dinosaurs eating.
The kids, especially Monica, are acting more responsible. Vicki
arrives and worries about her bedrock attack. "What, you
killed Fred Flintstone?" Jerry plays rock music for the
dinos; they get down. Vicki is introduced. She remarks on the
T-Rex: "These things were over 40 feet and 7 tons--the biggest
terrestrial carnivore that ever lived!" "Sort of a
Vicki has to insist "your kids are adorable"
to Frank, but Monica spies on them kissing on the couch and bitches
about Vicki. The Pterodon on her shoulder has parrotlike vocalization
abilities. Frank sleeps on the couch and the next morning Vicki
sees him: "Nice underwear." "The kids gave 'em
to me." He has to "have a talk" with Monica ("Don't
you think you should put on some pants first?") and butts
heads with boyfriend doof Danny. Sarno shows up with a gun trying
to steal "All my children, mine, mine mine, mine," but
the T-Rex attacks him and Frank makes him crawl back to his car.
The "talk": "Ever since you
were four years old you and I could talk about anything."
Mom's been dead two and a half years. They bond and hug/cling.
Sarno and two thugs, one of whom stabbed his
art teacher in sixth grade with a chisel, take the dinos and take
Vicki hostage. Sarno plans a press conference and one reporter
asks, "Miss Vicki, is it true you were married to Tiny Tim?"
Whitey and Vicki have sabotaged the presentation so Sarno, announcing
"Behold, I give you prehistoric life," unveils Ruby
the dog. The others rescue the mini-dinos from a warehouse where
one box reads "petrified white rhino / fragile." Frank
punches Sarno and takes off with Vicki, kids, and animals. Whitey
has the last line: "Thet's a fahn-lookin' family you got
there, Mr. Taylor."
This is all fairly harmless, I guess, but behind the line--"I
know how it is, Elvis; I'm a meat-and-potatoes man too"--lies
some evil. Why the sympathetic pathos? After all, Elvis is the
only one who has gotten something to eat so far. So the male
brat bonds with the T-Rex vs. the others over this sad tone of
inexplicable supposed victimization of meat-eaters.
The portrayal of the kids becoming more responsible
because of the hatchlings is objectionable, particularly as regards
Monica who bonds with Madonna and even calls, "Come to Mama."
The kids are worthless pains in the ass. This film sends the
message that the answer to pain-in-the-ass offspring is simply
more offspring of their own responsibility.
And for Christ's sake spay the damn dog! They
all kvetch about the last litter they couldn't keep and how they
have to keep Ruby away from all the neighbor dogs constantly.
One also finds ample evidence of an incestuous
father/daughter relationship having taken place.
For all these reasons, the trailer for this
film should have run: Prehysteria is Prehysterical! Make
sure to have a Prehistorectomy!