Line Cinema. 92 minutes.
Katie Coltrane: Whoopi Goldberg
Voice of Teddy Rex: George Newburn
Voice of Molly Rex: Carol Kane
Elizar Kane: Armin Mueller-Stahl
Commissioner Lynch: Richard Roundtree
Also starring Juliet Landau, Bud Cort (of Harold and Maude).
Executive Producer: Stefano Ferrari
Produced: Richard Abramson, Sue Baden-Powell
Written and Directed: Jonathan Betuel
Dinosaurs by Criswell Productions.
Billionaire DNA researcher Elizar Kane plans to destroy this futuristic
world and launch a New Eden missile which will serve as a Noah's
Ark for the frozen creatures he has stored. Two of his workers,
a "softskin" (human) and a dinosaur (Kane has brought
them back) intend to blab and are killed.
Teddy Rex aspires to be a detective while Katie
Coltrane busts crooks "out in the [urban] jungle.".
The human corpse has no identification and the dinosaur corpse
is mourned by Teddy: "It's kind of like we feel for each
other." Coltrane rescues a dog and is set up by a kid, Sebastian,
with his father. Teddy goes to a high-class party to talk to
the Commissioner. He asks a waiter, "So what do we have,
Frenchy? Meat, meat, meat and meat. You know I'm a recovering
carnivore." The politics of "interspecies relations"
prompts the Commissioner to appoint Teddy a detective to investigate
the "dinocide," and to team him with Coltrane.
After some driving slapstick, the two visit
the Natural History Museum where Teddy waxes sentimental about
his ancestors: "If dinosaurs weren't extinct, we'd be running
the world." Autopsy details lead to Molly Rex at a nightclub
where they serve hydroponic seaweed. Coltrane remarks, "I
thought you people eat meat." Teddy's "kind of on the
wagon," and complains that the only time softskins pay attention
to animals is to "shoot them, eat them, or wear them."
Molly sings "I'm No Angel" and the two inquire about
the late Oliver. Teddy is smitten ("glando").
Another autopsist says "we're all slaves
to our DNA" and connects the human clone corpse with Kane.
Coltrane and Teddy stop to see Sebastian and his hockey team
and Teddy wins praise. The two go to Kane's lab, "where
I was cloned" Teddy waxes nostalgic. Kane shows them icefish
which can be thawed back alive but claims to know noting about
the murders. Meanwhile Sebastian is kidnapped and Oliver's funeral
shows his recycling into liquification to fertilize flowers which
the mourners take home--he's recycled. Kane promises a better
Teddy escorts Molly to his apartment where
they dance. He and Coltrane must go question "The Toymaker"
who crafted a deadly butterfly which was the instrument of death.
He confesses about Kane when Teddy threatens to eat him. Molly
is kidnapped too now.
Various henchment are shot and Kane reveals
to Teddy his "survival of the fittest" scheme to be
the new god and create an ice age. Molly and Teddy are to be
a pair on the Ark. Katie is shot into a paralysis and refuses
to give Teddy a gun: "use your brain." He stops the
evil plot and is afterwards honored by being made Detective First
Class by the Commissioner, who delivers a speech involving
There have been more obnoxious dinosaur movies for kids than
this one, but sitting through this film was alleviated only by
Bud Cort and the occasional albeit waffling meat commentary.
Noah's Ark is a frighteningly ubiquitous theme
in the mid- and late-'90s, appearing on all manner of merchandise,
and this movie uses the idea as a way of combining futurism, cataclysm,
and dinosaurs (with the damned Jurassic DNA crap thrown
in obligatorily). One can detect this post-apocalyptic/saurian
pattern in many 1950s and 1980s incarnations.